Learning to Lead

I’ve been intentionally waiting to write about this week’s topic of leadership. Yes, I have learned a bit about it from my daughter, but more importantly I have watched her learn about what it takes to be a leader and how very challenging it is. What isn’t hard is to talk about being a leader and judge others’ leadership. Think about it. How many of us have commented on another’s leadership? I know I see it in the news constantly. But what about on a more relatable level? What about your supervisor or your boss? I know I see it every day. The question is when we judge someone else’s leadership, are we willing to step up and do it better and if we are, how would we? It’s easy enough to pass judgement but much harder to be the one others judge. These are the questions that I have watched my daughter grapple with this senior year.

My daughter has not always been a leader. In fact, she grew up being fairly shy. She would essentially blend into any wall if we would let her. The class she grew up in school with was filled with the quintessential “mean girls” and that meant that in order just to survive elementary school my daughter found it was easier to stay quiet than to speak up, so that’s what she did. When we moved to Montana, her new class was yet another class of “mean kids” as well, but she had grown up and was more sure of herself this time, so she didn’t automatically blend into the furniture. Instead, she learned to use her words and speak up when needed. It wasn’t always easy but she eventually found a group of friends who supported her and with them at her side, she was able to gain enough confidence to join student council and become a leader in the classroom.

This year she made it her mission to become class president. She wanted to have control of what happened with her class’s funds. In her mind, leadership meant control. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that many times it is the farthest thing from control but knew this was a lesson she needed to learn herself. You see I am the senior sponsor every year and every year I work with the class officers to help them make decisions about how to spend their funds. Not to mention I am also the yearbook advisor and I deal with the trying to get seniors to turn picture in on time, so I am used to dealing with this age group year after year. It doesn’t usually change much, just the players. This year is was much more personal with my daughter at the helm, and this year’s group was definitely more demanding. This class believed their leadership should make ALL of them happy, that a leader’s main objective was to accommodate everyone and if that was not possible then that person should definitely appease who ever yells the loudest. My daughter would come up with possible options for various scenarios saying it was from Pinterest and then later be told by those loud voices that it was HER idea and that she was not listening to the class when it was just one person whose idea was not being heard. As her class sponsor and her mother, I had to watch her struggle as day after day, various classmates would make hurtful comments judging her leadership but not offering to help or seeing that she was trying to do her best to accommodate the entire class. I even heard other teachers be critical of her leadership style, but it was after a certain event that she had specifically coordinated for her entire senior class that I completely lost my objectivity.

She had been working tirelessly to coordinate a senior breakfast at the beginning of the year for both seniors and parents. She arrived there bright and early that morning and was confronted by several parents who criticized her leadership, and when I say criticized, I mean attacked. When I arrived later, those same individuals said nothing to me and acted as if they had not berated my daughter just a few minutes earlier. They made excuses about their own children to me, about how they could not be asked to do anything because they were just too busy. I laughed it off until I later learned from my daughter what had happened. My daughter even asked to leave school later that morning because she realized she needed to recharge after such a toxic experience. She did not tell me at the time that was the reason but I agreed to let her go home, thinking it was because she was tired from the event.

What my daughter learned from this experience was that even adults can have their own self-interests in mind. It didn’t matter that they were older. Was it a difficult lesson for her to learn. Absolutely. Was it a difficult lesson for me to watch my daughter learn? Yes. Does this mean I understand why these people did what they did? No. I don’t really need to because I see it every day in the classroom. What they did not realize was how much damage their comments made to someone who was doing their best to lead. She was just trying to make everyone happy and create a fun memory for her classmates and then WHAM, here comes the judgement! There was no reason for this at all. This was when I had to tell my daughter the truth about being a leader. It’s a thankless job not many can do. I had to apologize for the actions of these adults who knew better than to act this way to a young woman who is just learning how to navigate the waters of the adult world. It happens every day in every type of environment with all types of personality types. We can’t make anyone happy but that’s not being a leader is all about, now is it?

I did not share this story to gain sympathy for my daughter. Similar incidents have happened more recently with similar results from different adults and she has learned how to handle this and so have her fellow officers who have also been spotlighted. I have found as an educator that I am held to this unhealthy standard of silence that says I am not to say anything about any incidents ever. I am always to be a role model for my students and it is this ridiculously high pedestal that we as teachers are held to that makes it extremely stressful. Even our own government recently decided we are not a professional occupation. If I am held responsible then why are we as parents not being held accountable as well? Once again, we as adults are here to help these kids and let me emphasize again: They are still kids! Yes, they are 17 and 18-years-old, but they are not experienced. They do not have the life experiences that we have, so yes, we do need to give them a bit of grace now and again. Being a leader takes courage. It does not mean that you are running the show for your own agenda because as my daughter found out, many times you do not have any control over what happens even when you think you do. You are there to be the voice of those who have none. That is what I have taught my daughter about leadership. Maybe we could try that next time we want to complain about our supervisor. Instead of griping, be the leader you want to follow. Be the leader your children can follow when they grow up. I don’t want my daughter to be afraid to lead. I do not want her to shrink back into the shadows because the loud voices will always get their way or maybe they’re the passive aggressive ones who pretend to go along with you and then run to the authorities to complain once your back is turned.

All I can do is hope she can learn that being a leader doesn’t mean making everyone happy but being true to what you know is right and that is more important than bowing to those obnoxious naysayers who will always thinks their wants are more important than others’ needs. Our greatest leaders were not always loved but they were respected and respect means more than a popularity contest of who is chosen to be the leader.