The Mask of Deception
Deception. We all deceive each other, don’t we? As adults we take deception for granted. It’s just something we do, but when a teenager does it, they are condemned, punished. When it’s really just human nature. I know you’re thinking that I am making excuses, that teens should know better, but what if it’s more than that. Don’t they learn how to behave from us, their older counterparts. My daughter is not perfect, but everyone thinks she is and it has taken a toll on her to the point that she punishes herself if she comes across as anything than less than 110 percent. Lying is never an act I have condoned or supported, however, with deception it is necessary. Maybe we need to change our definition of deception. It is the act of not being everything that you appear. Isn’t that everyday life though? When you’re at your job you take on a role of competency, self-confidence, proficient in your work requirements, but is that how you truly are? Is that your truest self? Of course not. We all don masks to function. This is a simple truth of humans, one of the factors that separates from basic animals, our cognitive ability to adapt and change due to our social influences or circumstances. This leads me back to the topic at hand.
Why do we condemn teens for deceiving us when many of us have taught our children how to do just that? You attend a family function or maybe a work event that your child does not want to be at. What do you tell your child? Probably something along the lines of “act nice, don’t back talk, be polite to people even if you don’t know them or they pinch your cheeks.” You are essentially teaching them to take on a different role, to deceive people around you to think a certain way. Tell me I’m wrong. Teens are no different. They are in a position where they must assume a certain level of maturity to become an adult and with that they have to take on a certain amount of deception. Some may put one certain masks due to fear or insecurities. What if someone won’t like us if they saw the real me? Why do we assume that teens are any different? They aren’t! However, they do not have the ability or experience to say that. They hide, they lie, and they deceive until they understand what is happening themselves. Please do not think that I am in favor of deception. I am not. What I’m saying is that I get it. I understand it and sometimes as a parent I forget what I felt like when I was sixteen. I wanted to be an adult and prove to my mom how mature I was and how independent I could be but that also meant hiding the parts of me that maybe I didn’t know how to deal with but couldn’t show to her because I didn’t want to disappoint her with the image I wanted her to have of me.
My “perfect” daughter has this problem. She comes across to everyone as Barbie, the girl who is outward perfection, always nice to everyone, smart, and confident. Is that who she is inside? Probably not. The problem is that she doesn’t know how to deal with that contradiction and if she does it will be at the risk of her image, which is inextricably tied to her need to please others. After a recent incident with her keeping something from me, I was very hurt and disappointed but after some thought I realized that she only mirrored what she sees in the world every day. Sometimes we all hide something until we are ready to deal with it ourselves and it really has nothing to do with other people. Rather, it is about waiting until we are ready to manage it ourselves.
