Responding vs. Reacting
This week’s post was actually supposed to be the next podcast for Mother-Daughter Diaries, but we have simply been too busy to get around to filming it, or I should say, my daughter has been way too tired to film. That girl works two jobs and by the time she gets home, she is absolutely exhausted, and, frankly, so am I. It takes quite a bit of energy to get yourself camera ready and then film for an hour. Not to mention, the editing and uploading time that takes at least three times the filming time, so I thought I might write about our topic of choice instead.
Our topic was about being more humanitarian or really being a good human, but I would like to take it one step further: What about being more empathetic? I know as a teacher, I am required though it is never actually stated, that I need to see what my students are going through before I respond, and I say respond on purpose. I am never supposed to react to anything, even though I am human, and there are times when I know I do. I can’t help it. Sometimes my teacher mask slips and my human self rears its head. The expectation is for me to understand what my students are going through by building relationships (mind you, not getting too close) but close enough to understand their hardships at home or at work and take those into account if they are unresponsive during class or can’t seem to get their work completed on time. Many times, teachers are expected to be both counselors and educators now. I know that’s the case in my school where we do not have a full-time counselor, and our therapist also teaches. In the cases where I have not been empathetic enough to my students’ needs, there have been repercussions, so it is essentially an unstated rule that we need to be aware of others and what they’re going through at least in the classroom, but what about elsewhere, not just with children but with adults too?
Are we putting ourselves in others’ shoes when we interact, or do we simply wander the world in our own self-contained bubbles with our own unattainable expectations? I have found that in a world that seems to be spinning so incredibly fast, where time refuses to stand still that it’s almost as if we don’t think we have to think about others. There’s no time to, so there’s no need to either. There’s always time and there should always be a need to think of others. It is too easy in our world today to cut someone off because it’s easy or because electronically we can.
Think about it: Does it take that much extra time to offer someone a smile? Not really. That smile may be the only kindness they receive the entire day or maybe that week. Maybe someone is having a hard day, and you ask them about it and genuinely listen to their story. What a lovely gift you just gave them by donating your time to listen. Even if you may not be able to change someone’s circumstances, by listening or offering a shoulder to lean on, you may be giving them something no one else can: empathy. This is different than sympathy. Sympathy is a selfish emotion where you feel badly for someone. It’s a passive emotion; whereas empathy is an active emotion where you sincerely understand or attempt to understand what another person is going through. Such a huge difference!
I saw one of my daughter’s friends be a humanitarian recently, and I was so proud of her for overcoming what was surely the easier emotion: anger. She was upset with her friends, but instead of continuing to hold onto that negative emotion, she opted to forgive and let go of it. She accepted what happened and found that anger was draining her and decided it simply wasn’t worth it. So, what if her friends blocked her? That was their decision. Just like it was her decision not to judge them for their actions. She decided to see their perspectives and by doing so, it allowed the lines of communication to be reopened and for them to talk about what happened. Was it easy? I’m sure it wasn’t.
In my own life, I have found that clinging to my anger and resentment is so much easier than letting go of those bitter feelings, but in the end, it’s about seeing the bigger picture for ALL parties involved, and that is exactly what this young woman did. She chose empathy, not anger, and renewed her friendship because of her mature decision. I don’t know many adults who would have made that choice, let alone, a high school senior. But if she can do it then I know we as adults can too.
We can all make the choice to respond first. We can think about others before just reacting to protect ourselves. We all have feelings; we all have insecurities, no matter the age. Why can’t we recognize that and try to remember this as we interact with others? You might find a little empathy could go a long way, not just in helping you but it could be helping someone else as well.
