We All Need Friends

We all need friends. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how truly important it was that our children need them too. I’m sure you’ve been there. You don’t like who your child is hanging out with or maybe they’re spending too much time with their friends, but what happens when they completely isolate themselves and no longer want to be around their friends or for that matter, anyone. Something bad. We all know how that is a major warning sign or a huge cry for help. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how very important socialization and friendship is for all of us, teens and moms alike.  

Recently, my bubbly, Barbie doll of a daughter was acting a bit off. Yes, she was still maintaining good grades. Yes, she was still going to work. Yes, she was still speaking to us, but there was just something that just wasn’t quite right. She seemed depressed, a little more prickly than usual. Definitely not her usual sparkly self. I approached her about it and found out she had been purposely distancing herself from her friends. She knew they were going to eventually grow a part at the end of the year due to graduation, but it had been happening increasingly more lately when they just couldn’t quite get all of them together. I hadn’t thought much about it. They saw each other at school, so what was the big deal? The big deal is that we as people need others to confide in, to talk to. We are social creatures who need emotional support from others. My daughter needed her friends. She had a void that couldn’t be filled by me or her dad or her obnoxious cat. She needed her friends. This called for an intervention. After a long talk, she made the effort to reach out to them, and it helped. Her mood lifted and she was able to share some of the issues she had been struggling with them, which in turn helped her make sense of what was happening with her life. She needed their perspective, not mine. She needed someone her own age who was going through the same hardships who understood. Once this happened, I think everyone felt better. I know I did because my Barbie was back to her usual pink self.  

We as adults need friends too, but rarely do we make the effort. It’s tough as we get older because it does take more effort and we are much stingier with our time. I watched my daughter deliberately not take the time because she was tired of “being the one who always tries to get everyone together.” I’ve been there and been that person. I recognize the struggle. But I also understand how lonely it is when you don’t have anyone to talk to when you have that really bad day or on the flip side, when you have that really great news you want to share. Just because we are older does not mean we do not share the same insecurities as teens when navigating friendships. Will they like me? Do they really want to spend time with me or was that an excuse not to see me? It’s very similar to a romantic relationship, unfortunately. I think just about anything is when feelings are involved. This is where I struggle. I have always been the outcast. I try so hard to make the effort to ask someone to lunch or to have coffee, only to be turned down or to never have the invitation accepted. It’s like high school all over again, yet I keep trying because I know how much I would love to have that trusted person who gets my snarky sense of humor and will stand up for me no matter what. I do know that as I age, the friendship circle is smaller, which is fine by me. The closer the circle, the more trusted friends are within that circle is how I see it. 

Perhaps when someone does reach out, instead of automatically saying no or blowing them off because you’re “too busy” or “you can’t possibly make time,” what if you said yes? What if you allowed yourself to connect with someone else, even if it’s just over a coffee for a half hour? No one said you had to start having slumber parties and braiding each other’s hair. This is about connecting with someone else. This is about carving out those precious moments for taking care of yourself. You might think that person who offered the invitation won’t mind if you ghost them but think about how happy you might make them if you accept and accept because you genuinely want to.

So don’t be put off by the effort it takes to make a friend. We all need them, no matter who we are, no matter what stage of life we are in. We all need each other. It does take effort though. Remember, my earlier blog of “Just do it now.” Go ahead and make the effort now. Send the text. Make the phone call. You’ll be glad you did.