Women Need Self-Care, It Does NOT Have to be Earned
Right now is the perfect time of year to broach this week’s topic: self-care. Teens do this and, boy, do they catch hell about it from us as parents. We are always giving them a hard time about how selfish they are, how they always think about themselves, but aren’t we always telling them they need to look out for number one because no one else will? I know I’ve said that to my students more than once, and I know for a fact, I have uttered those words to my daughter. The question is, have you said those words to yourself? Do you take care of yourself? Honestly? As women, very rarely do we even feel as if we have the right to think those words, let alone, say them with any actual sincerity. Now why do you think that is?
This topic actually came to me when I was listening to some ladies talking about what they received for Christmas. One woman mentioned how her adult daughter was excited about receiving an ice-maker because it made her life so much easier since she now had a toddler. The mom said it was funny how her daughter’s life was so different now that she was a mom and an adult and how her idea of the perfect present was something that could help her life, not her personally, like a piece of clothing, makeup, etc. I thought about this and realized how true this was. After opening all her gifts, what did my seventeen-year-old daughter do with her very personal gifts? She made a video haul showcasing all her fun gifts to her viewers because who doesn’t want to see a new MacBook Air, or gold earrings, or a Hollister hoodie, or the newest lip balm? I thought about doing the same thing myself and then dismissed the thought because my gifts were more about items that made my life better, and when I say my life, I mean, my family’s life. Some were personal, such as a book I asked for or a personalized mug from a friend, but several were about what I could use as a mom. I didn’t get gifts for my husband that he could use a father. I bought him things he would like personally and could use for activities he did for fun, so why is there this double standard for women?
Do we as moms feel as if we cannot ask for gifts or buy ourselves presents that are solely for us because that would make us selfish and we must always be looking out for our families? That’s just ridiculous. We do not set that expectation for our husbands as fathers, so why would we do that to ourselves? And I don’t think it’s just for women who are mothers. I think it’s for women everywhere. We are given these traditional roles as caretakers, and we must continue to wear those cumbersome capes that are strangling us. At some point, we must shrug them off and allow us to take care of ourselves without shame or guilt. If we do not take care of ourselves, I can assure you there is no one else out there who will. My husband may try and my daughter really does her best, but ultimately, it is up to me to take care of my own well-being. However, there are many times where I put myself last. I see it with other women all the time. We never put ourselves first until we are so physically ill and mentally exhausted that we are unable to function. Then it’s as if we have decided we have earned the right to be “pampered” because it’s gotten that bad. We don’t earn the right to self-care. We should all be taking care of ourselves all the time. We would not allow our child to hit rock bottom, would we, so why are we any different?
What does self-care look like? I can tell you what it doesn’t look like. It does NOT sound like negative self-talk. It does not sound like the words we tell ourselves when we make a mistake. Would you call your child an idiot if they made a simple mistake? Would you call your child ugly just because they gained a couple of extra pounds or maybe didn’t make their goal weight after a week or two on a new diet? We are our own worst critics. We say horrible things to ourselves all the time. What if we spoke kind words, instead of harsh criticism? What would happen then? What if we gave ourselves a bit of grace instead of immediate judgement? Be the coach you would like to have for your child to yourself. Instead of something negative being the first thing you think about when do something wrong, shrug it off and say “It’s okay. You’re allowed to learn.” Remember, grace costs nothing. Give yourself some grace. You can only love others as much as you love yourself. So how much love do you show yourself? I can only speak for myself, and there are many days that I do not show myself much love. In fact, I am the worst coach ever to myself. It’s a miracle that my mental and physical selves get out of bed at all with how I’ve treated them. The good part is that we get another try. We get a do-over, so make today the day that you put you first. You take care of you without feeling guilty. Because without you, you cannot take care of others. Remember that. So take some time for yourself. Go do something you love. Don’t feel guilty about it. Do it for you. Remember you are worth are it!
I am a huge Mel Robbins fan, and her recent episode really helped me during a rough patch. Here is the link: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-358/
It is for adult listeners only.
